I do a lot of research for my trauma work and am reading a powerful book on shame, “It Wasn’t Your Fault” by Beverly Engel, LMFT.

In a nutshell, the one cure for shame is self-compassion. Often I have felt lost in explaining to clients what self-compassion is and how to develop self-compassion for oneself. I hope this provides knowledge on how to take the first step.

Why is self-compassion so difficult?

Some of us feel that self-compassion is “too indulgent” or that it will make us weak or lazy. Many of us didn’t have good examples growing up of what it means to have self-compassion and love ourselves.

Another reason may be that we haven’t acknowledged our past trauma or abuse. Perhaps we don’t even realize it was abuse.

Related to this is sometimes we still have a part of ourselves that feels responsible or to blame for our past trauma which increases shame and self-punishing.

Ways to increase self-compassion

The first step is self-understanding which Beverly Engel explains as the all-important connection between troubling behavior and the past abuse/trauma. This isn’t condoning the behavior but enlightenment on why we are doing unhealthy patterns or behavior can be very healing. I suggest working with a therapist for this step.

Subsequent steps are self forgiveness, acceptance, kindness and encouragement.

All those sound wonderful, right? Just know all of this is a journey and one which needs support, education and hope.

Please don’t wait years before doing this work. It is hard but rewarding. I am here to help.

If you are already working with a therapist or doing this on your own, I am sending you my best thoughts for your journey.