How to be heard in your relationships

Not feeling heard, understood and even validated is a common issue in relationships. Have you experienced on a regular basis these issues?

• Being intimated and bullied into agreeing or submitting to others decisions/will?

• Feel stupid when expressing your thoughts or conclusions?

• Nagging the same request or wants/needs to the other person resulting in no change?

This could stem from (1) the dynamics of the relationships, (2) the other person and/or (3) our own behaviors that minimize our voice and assertiveness or sabotage our effectiveness in communicating. Every situation is different and thorough history should be examined to decide treatment methods.

In my practice in Ahwatukee AZ, I use several treatment methods:

• Gottman relationship principles to help individuals explore what is hindering them from being heard, how to listen to others and essential conflict resolution skills in addition to boundary setting.

• It may also be necessary to use trauma therapy to undo negative core beliefs and behavioral patterns developed in our past. EMDR therapy has been useful for those who didn’t have a “voice” growing up and enables them to start asserting themselves in relationships as an equal.

• I have also found Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to be useful in developing assertive communication skills; no one can read our mind so it is pertinent to ask for our wants and needs in an effective manner.

In summary, even if we learn new behaviors in various therapies, it doesn’t guarantee that we will be heard to our satisfaction but we can pride ourselves that we made the best attempt in our communication to others. As one of my favorite psychologists Harriet Lerner wrote in her book The Dance  of Connection, “Having an authentic voice requires us not only to speak wisely but also to listen well”. If you would like to learn more, please contact me.